The Many Issues of the Greek Gods and Goddesses
by TheThirdWheel
Summary: Take a peek through the dysfunctional, strange, yet endearing family that are the Twelve Olympians.


**Alright, my first fanfiction... and of course it's a pointless comedy. All of these are based on the stupid conversations me and my friends have about Greek mythology... don't judge me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!**

With a clap of his heavy hands, the hustle and bustle in the throne room of Mount Olympus was silenced, or at least as much as it could be. Ares' sandaled foot was tapping impatiently on the marble floors, eager to leave the meeting, and Aphrodite was still giggling about something or other, but it was good enough for the king of the Gods.

"Olympians!" Zeus shouted, causing almost every immortal being in the room to jump up in their seat. "This meeting of the twelve Olympians has begun! Our first order of business…"

"Father?" A strong, yet feminine voice called out. All heads turned to Athena, who even now was wearing her trusted war helmet. "I believe that the first order of business, and indeed the most logical as well, would be to take role call."

Zeus sighed. There was no use arguing with his daughter. "Alright then, Poseidon?"

"Present!" The god responded, doing so in a voice only slightly softer than his younger brother's. He glanced at Athena with an annoyed glare that was promptly returned by her. Since the battle over Athens their relationship hadn't been the strongest.

"Hades?"

"I'm here." Grumbled the lord of the underworld in a lawn chair Zeus had found minutes before the meeting in his palace's basement. On the back of it was a piece of notebook paper that clearly read: NOT A MEMBER OF THE TWELVE OLYMPIANS CLUB.

"Hera?"

"Here." Hera said plainly, avoiding eye contact with her husband, most likely over a dispute the two had yet to resolve, most likely by Hera being tied in the sky again.

"Demeter?"

"Here!" The fair-haired goddess announced, raising her hand, stained with dirt into the air.

"Dionysus?"

"I- I'm here! Right here!" Dionysus struggled to get out. A golden chalice of wine in his hand, he seemed prepared to raise it to his lips, but toppled over in his chair before he could do so.

"Aphrodite?"

"Here!" The goddess said with a flick of her currently long hair, making the short word into at least five syllables.

"Ares?"

"HERE." The god grunted, still in his armor, stained with blood.

"Hephaestus?"

"Present." Hephaestus said quietly, hoping not to draw attention to himself.

"Apollo?" "I'm present, and while it may be unpleasant, to be here in this room, I'm hoping that this meeting will be adjourned soon. Did you like my rhyme?" Apollo said, in poetry, like he so often did.

"Artemis?"

"Present," spoke Artemis, whilst rolling her eyes in the direction of her still smirking brother.

"Hermes?"

"Here!" Hermes exclaimed, the wings on his helmet fluttering in excitement.

"And Athena is obviously here. So, like I was saying, what we're all here to discuss is…"

"CEREAL?!" Exclaimed Demeter, who interrupting her brother yet again, nearly leapt across the table.

"No, Demeter," Poseidon said, patting his sister on her head, calming her down and prompting her to return to her seat, although she still glanced nervously at the others as if she was anticipating something. "But what about the minor gods and goddesses?" continued Poseidon, directing the question towards Zeus.

"The problem? The problem is that there are way to many of them, idiot." Hera replied, speaking to Poseidon as well as the other Olympians. "I mean really, do we really need a god of silence? What does he do all day? Stay silent?"

"Yeah!" Agreed Hermes. "And what about the god of unmixed wine?"

Dionysus, who had just now managed to drag himself off the ground and onto his chair. "Hey… you know…. That guy… is my best… no, no I hate that guy…"

Aphrodite flicked her hair impatiently. "Go home Dionysus, you're drunk. But ok, so we got the big issue out of the way and whatever, so why don't we just dump all the wannabes in the underworld?"

Hades frowned. "Actually, I don't think that that would be the best…"

Ares' loud voice cut Hades off, much like it always did. "HEY! I KNOW! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET RID OF ALL THE MINIONS, AND I CAN HAVE A LOT."

Aphrodite blushed, and made a cooing sound. "Aw, Ares! That's such a good idea! Except I think _I _should have all of the minions."

"Um… I'm find with just one minion, I guess," Hephaestus said, before he realized that above the feuding of his family, his voice remained unheard. Tapping Hermes on the shoulder, he whispered in his ear, "Um, Hermes? You wouldn't mind just letting everyone have one minion, would you?"

Unfortunately for him, Apollo overheard the exchange. "One? But I _hate_ odd numbers! Why don't we all just have two minions? Hermes, tell everyone to have two minions."

"Got it, so you want me to say…" Hermes was cut off by the normally stoic Artemis before he could finish.

"Brother, maybe some of us would prefer to have an odd number of minions, have you ever thought about that? Hermes, tell Apollo that we should all have three minions."

"Um, okay." Hermes replied. "So, do I tell him three minions, or…."

"Artemis, you know I love even numbers! You don't care, you have like a million huntresses following you around. You could care less. Hermes! Tell Artemis it's two minions."

"Oh, I…."

"My huntresses are _not _my minions! And I'm sure that there are many of us who love odd numbers more than you love even numbers. Right Hermes?"

"Well,"

"Don't drag Hermes into this! He's on my side, right buddy?"

"Actually I,"

"Well you know what Apollo? I only wanted one minion who just happened to be my one true love, but you just _had _to shoot him with that arrow? Remember that, Hermes?"

"_You _shot him! It's not my fault I'm convincing! Right Hermes?"

"I AM CONFLICTED!" Hermes exclaimed in exasperation. Suddenly all eyes were on him. His face quickly reddening, he shrank lower into his seat.

"Aw, you kids don't need to be deciding how many minions you each need. Why don't we just let our population thrive? You know what else thrives? Grain. And you know what's in cereal?"

"Cereal?" Guessed Athena.

"No, I was actually talking about bread! Do you want some?"

"I know who'd I like to thrive with…" Aphrodite murmured, her big eyes focused on Ares, smiling as she watched him pick his nose, and wipe his finger on his armor, smirking as he watched it mix in with the dried blood.

"Oh, your husband Hephaestus?" Questioned Hera, crossing into Aphrodite's line of vision, with an expectant look on her face.

"Oh, um… huh?" she asked, shaking her head out of her trance, and glancing beside her to get a better look at her husband, holding out a golden locket, with an engraving across it that read: TO MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE APHRODITE WHO BY THE WAY I AM MARRIED TO AND NOT ARES, NO, IT IS I HEPHAESTUS AND SHE LOVES ME VERY MUCH BECAUSE I MADE THIS WONDERFUL LOCKET FOR HER WITH MY BARE HANDS SO SHE SHOULD BE VERY GRATEFUL THAT SHE IS MARRIED TO ME HEPHAESTUS. LOVE, HEPHAESTUS. (YOUR HUSBAND). Aphrodite sighed. "Oh yeah, definitely."

Poseidon frowned. "I don't get it, why don't we just stop having so many kids? Should it be this hard for us?"

Hades snickered. "It might be easier if Zeus wore a condom once in a while."

At that a fight erupted between the twelve of them. Hera had taken the opportunity to let her long held rage out on her husband, while he desperately tried to convince her that he never seemed to have one on hand. Hermes had once again been caught between one of Artemis and Apollo's arguments, Athena was chastising Demeter for not taking her duties seriously, and focusing more on her cereal than the issues at the hand, and Dionysus, like most days, was sprawled on the floor, laughing to himself. Behind the palace, watching all of this take place through a window, was Hestia, tending to her flames. With a sigh, she looked away from the fire for a moment. "Some things never change," she said to herself.


End file.
